


Emotion and Metachaos

by auxiliodivino



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Hux POV, M/M, Pre-TFA, hux character exploration, mild descriptions of blood and low horror themes, ocd!hux, this is basically just dedicated to kylo ren voice porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-14 03:19:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5727739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auxiliodivino/pseuds/auxiliodivino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux had never seen Kylo Ren without his helmet on. This fact was not concerning to him. It was Ren's unheard voice, however, that had begun to tear holes in Hux's armor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. i don't know dickin' shit about the star wars universe so this story will deviate from canon a bit  
> 2\. i hardly ever read or write fanfiction so i apologise if the character portrayals i've come up with aren't satisfying or accurate.  
> 3\. this story takes place pre-TFA
> 
>  
> 
> i wrote this as an exploration of hux's character but wow of course they fall in love  
> this fic is 50% softcore kylo ren voice porn and 50% hux being a cynical bitch inside his own head  
> also.. i apologise in advance for the "i thought i asked for a brunette" line... im immature and dont take anything seriously

 

 

> _In your fantasy, dream about me_  
>  _And all that we could do with this emotion_  
>   

Hux had never seen Kylo Ren without his helmet on. It was not exactly a concerning fact to anyone – more than half the force in the entire Order were faceless; disposable shells with nothing inside. Most would say the same for Kylo Ren, but Hux, being the closest to him (with no consent on his part; he regularly fantasized about throwing the knight off-board into space), knew that Kylo Ren was not an emotionless robot.

He was a beast.

Where Order and balance reigned in this world, Kylo Ren was an unstable force of chaos and rabid emotion. Not ever love, or contentment. _There was no love in him_. Hux could pick up on it all – the waves of rage and fury that emanated from the knight when things didn’t go his way. Even with a mask to obscure one’s identity; emotions eat through and expose you… through your posture; your voice, your unconscious actions. Hux could see every tiny splinter of emotion that ticked underneath a person through these nuances. It was an advantage in every situation, especially against Kylo Ren, as it was the knight’s only perceptible weakness. That fact reinforced Hux's confidence that the knight Kylo Ren would always be below him, so long as he kept ruining entire rooms in the flight of his temper tantrums.

He knew the mask was a façade. Hux had yet to find out what was beneath it, though. The mystery of it kept him on his toes (though never afraid, he convinced himself). In the absence of a face; not even a memory of one, the idea of Kylo Ren inside Hux’s mind was an embodiment of chaos behind a black visor; one moment cold and indifferent, then flipping without warning to burning hot impetuosity; impulsiveness. There were no chances to take advantage of any kindness or affection, because the beast called Ren never emitted any. His eyes were a smoothly polished abyss of black glass; his skin was tightly wrapped cloth, dark as the universe. His voice was a low, mechanized growl.

_That voice_. Hux vowed, that voice was the only thing that spurred any kind of curiosity or intrigue of his own towards the knight Kylo Ren. He allowed himself the admittance that that voice, and _only_ that voice, was the sole conduit of his curiosity; was the only sliver of personal interest behind his harmless endeavors in snooping around Kylo Ren.

What was it _about_ that voice? Hux didn’t know. And not knowing agitated him; caused ripples in the still surface of his mind. The immaculate expanse of it all… water all around; extending across the impossibly flat plane of his existence, absolutely still save for small stirrings here and there. All was white; blending in with the horizon. His feet caused no turmoil on the surface; he stepped forward with languor.

Somewhere in the universe, a black hole was swallowing everything towards itself.

“General.” Hux blinked; opened his eyes to the dark-lit interior of the ship’s bridge. He cleared his throat and turned to the short-statured assistant. They were nervous. Hux didn’t even need to look at their face -their shoulders were rigid and risen slightly, and their left foot was angled outward, unconsciously wanting to leave. As if sensing Hux’s thoughts, the assistant immediately swallowed. “Would you like me to repeat myself, sir?”

“Oh. Yes.”

“Your authorization is needed for repairs in sector 7-D.” the general immediately sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He really did not need to hear the rest of this. “-Your guest Master Ren has destroyed Room 14---“

“ _Yes._ Relay approval,” Hux cut the messenger off with a mere rising of his palm and an impatient tone. He moved swiftly down the aisle as the assistant scampered off; pausing briefly to tap his index finger against a wall droid. “Where is Kylo Ren now?”

“Master Ren - - - Last profiled in High Quarter A-4, at 11:15 pm  - -, or, exactly two hours, nineteen minutes ago. Not since documented leaving,” the voice chirped, immediately opening up a flat hologram showing grey, low-quality camera footage. The lights were off in Kylo Ren’s quarters; Hux couldn’t make anything out except for the edge of the wall. Everything else was darkness.

He furrowed his eyebrows and briefly consulted with his brain. Kylo Ren would be sleeping or preparing to sleep. He let the facts decide:

It was currently 1:34 am. Sixty-five percent of the crew was asleep. Thirty-five percent were currently on night-duty, with shifts currently commencing for exactly  three hours and twenty six minutes, not including general maintenance and air dock staff whose shifts commenced-

_Not important, Hux._

Okay, Kylo Ren’s sleep schedule. Kylo Ren had no work schedule; he entered his quarters each night around nine pm to twelve am, with a mean average, if ignoring outliers, of around 10:14 pm. Instilled light-frequency somno-gas within each quarters meant that one would fall asleep five minutes and forty-two seconds after engaging the somno-gas emission within their respective room. If Kylo Ren had entered his room at 11:15 pm, that allowed over two hours for sleeping preparations, which, along with the darkness and lack of movement within the current camera footage, allowed Hux to deduce that Kylo Ren was most definitely asleep right now.

Hux blinked. Almost two seconds had passed since he had furrowed his brow.

Kylo Ren was asleep. Hux was awake. He himself only slept a strict average of three and a half hours per twenty-four hour cycle. He had a ship and a planet to run. He liked being awake during this time of the cycle, as well - the ship was much quieter, and less responsibility arose.

He turned his head back to the bridge. Workers were at their desks; only a few bodies moving to and fro among the curving rows of the controls. Beyond the safe confines of the titanium-reinforced glass wall lay the expanse of space, thousands of stars shining.

During these hours, Hux never had much to do. He liked to stand at the centre of the bridge and go through thousands of plans within his head, reviewing an ocean of information, imagining courses of action for hundreds of situations that could arise at any moment, wondering what Kylo Ren’s voice would sound like without its robotic filtering.

_Impulse: wake Kylo Ren up right now. Storm into his room and blind him with the lights turned on. You’ll get to see his stupid face squinting in the brightness. If he has a human face, after all._

_Reasoning: intrinsic enjoyment in watching others suffer._

_Possible consequences include: instant death via force choking._

_Refined plan: You’re annoyed because you told Kylo Ren not thirteen hours ago that if anything more on this ship was broken by him, there would be serious consequences. Not even within half a day cycle, he has destroyed an entire other room and is now sleeping soundly. He disobeyed your authority and belittles your ability to reprimand him. And he’s right, actually; there’s not much you can do._

_Kylo Ren is currently unconscious. The chances of waking him upon your intrusion rests at around 8%, as all systems of bodily alertness are neutralized via somno-acidic prescence in the atmosphere-_

No. The reasoning wasn’t lining up. _Why? **Why** am I planning to enter Kylo Ren’s quarters?_

_Refined reasoning:_ \- - - [no data]

[relaying back to core motivations]

_Reasoning: intrinsic enjoyment in watching others suffer._

Hux dismissed that. He knew that already; there had to be something else.

_Reasoning: - - - ? ? ? - - - curiosity._

Hux sighed. He stood in silence for a few moments, then descended the steps into the control area; walked up to the side of a long panel of control desks. A worker had placed their screen-touch stylus near the edge. Hux reached out, mindlessly, and gently pushed the end of it inwards so it was completely parallel to the edge. The worker slowly looked up to stare at him. Hux turned away and briskly made his way back along the bridge; into the main hallway, and began the ascent to the high quarters.

He stepped forward across the unending still water without stirring any of it; without even touching it. Swiftly he moved; the empty sleeves of his jacket billowing out behind him. White light reflected upon white water; bathing everything in a holy air. Only small ripples stirred themselves in the distance. He was the only traveler here.

-

_Reasoning: curiosity._

Everything was quiet in this part of the ship. The lights were dimmed to half their normal brightness. A scheduled patrol only passed through every fifteen minutes exactly. Hux passed his own rooms and continued onward, around the corner; stopped at a door that looked like all the others.

Hux shrugged his arms into his jacket sleeves (he usually wore his jacket slung over his shoulders) and pressed the pad of his thumb against the identification plate. All-access permission. The door slid open with a light breeze of sound. The general immediately covered his nose with the heavy material of his jacket sleeve as he stepped inside. He didn’t want to be breathing in sleeping gas.

The space that the door opened up into was a very tiny foyer; resembling a mini hallway that barely one person could stand in. To the right, a closed door led to a small sanitation area. To the left, another closed door led to a room that had a single bed inside and a closet for depositing uniform and belongings. The rest of the room was bare. Hux knew; every quarters was the same.

With a light touch, the inner door to the bedroom slid open; silent this time save for the mechanical whirring in the wall. Hux reached out to the side, fingers hovering over the light switch.

He noticed two things simultaneously, and their equal importance caused him to pause for a moment too long.

  1. It was dark, but he was staring at the bed and it was empty.
  2. In his peripheral vision he noticed the red glow above his hovering fingers. He didn’t need to look at it to know what was written.



**[SOMNI: NOT ACTIVE]**

“I thought I asked for a brunette.”

The voice came from _right beside him_. Hux jolted and jumped and made a noise of surprise; a momentary lapse of fright that he immediately regretted. He turned and scanned the darkness but could see nothing. The beast was watching him from somwhere, hiding behind the veil of the shadows. There was no light to reflect on.

_You failed to identify all possibilities, once again. He didn’t activate the somni-gas, you idiot! You’ve proved you’re still useless– but there is still time to salvage this._

Hux’s mind immediately switched lanes, activating plan B of at least sixteen different possible situations he had planned out in his head _.“Ren.”_

“I look forward to your explaining yourself.” The voice was coming from the corner of the room, to the right. Hux leaned against the corner of the door and wall for support. No, that’s a sign of weakness. He straightened his posture and stepped further into the room. With his hand still raised, he flicked the light switch. Kylo Ren stood like a suit of armor in the shadow of the corner.

Hux turned to him; eyes scrutinizing now that the shock had passed. “I’m not the one who needs to explain anything. I warned you, and now you’re being reprimanded.”

A brief pause. “It really couldn’t wait until 6?”

“ _Kylo Ren. You aren’t even asleep.”_

“By the caution and concern you displayed while invading my rooms, I take it you weren’t aware.”

Hux breathed out through his nose. Kylo won that round. He tried to take back control of the conversation and find an opening to get himself out of here, since he knew there was no real way to punish Kylo Ren.  “I’m filing a report. You are a _guest_ on _my_ ship-“

“We are in the same Order, General. We hold ranks of equal authority. I’d dare say I’m more im-“

“ _No_ ,” Hux interrupted; pointing a strict finger at the black-clad figure. “No _._ My _ship_ , my _crew_ – that entire _planet_ down there is mine as well. Every childish mess of yours is mine to clean up.”

Kylo Ren was silent for once; the black mask staring blankly at him. Good, maybe Hux was finally getting through to him. The general took it as a sign to continue. “It’s pathetic. In the two seasons since your arrival, the costs have been gargantuan. Your personal interests are getting in the way of this ship’s functioning – you’re a _burden_.” He was waving his arms for effect with each word. He didn’t know how long the knight was going to hold this docility, so he knew he had to cut to the conclusion. He brought his arms back to his side, turned his feet inward and leaned towards the stilled black robes. He had perfected a voice of venom-like authority.

“This is a _final_ warning I went to the trouble to _personally_ deliver. Take it as your last chance, Master Ren. I _do_ have more authority than you, and I can ensure your banishment from _all_ of my premises should you prove yourself to be _any more detrimental to our interests here.”_

Hux was _really_ good at making shit up on the spot. There was no way in the universe the Supreme Leader would deny Kylo Ren what he wanted, or allow any of what Hux had threatened come to pass. But Hux knew his voice could hold entire fields of soldiers underneath its authority; could wither someone before his own eyes. He was confident in himself.

The authority of his voice did not extend to the realm of monsters, however. Kylo Ren’s metal face tilted slowly, shining lightly as it rotated. Hux heard a low hum from inside his own head. In the otherwise absolute silence that had fallen between them at the end of Hux’s threat, there was a gristling intake of breath; Ren’s shoulders rising with it.

“Empty threats,” the mask dismissed his entire lecture in a swift tone, lifting a hand between them. “ _But…,”_ it breathed, _“there is… something about you_.” His tone was lighter now; enquiring. Hux felt a chilled shiver freeze him in his spot. The fingers held in the air before him were gently curled; not forceful. He barely felt the drifting of a phantom touch at the base of his adam’s apple. “Something inside of you…” the voice continued. Kylo Ren’s tone was different now; not its usual brisk and concise growl. It rumbled and drawled; it resonated within the room. Hux felt every syllable.

“ _Or rather,_

_something is missing._

_There is a **hole** inside of you,”_ the hand lowered slowly before him; though suspended, Hux _felt_ the touch drift below his collar, across the fragile skin of his collarbones, stopping to press at the center of his ribcage. “You can’t feel it but I can… a hole that size could kill you.”

“Excuse me?” Hux jerked his neck slightly, breaking from the hold his own fear had placed upon him. Kylo Ren’s hand lowered to his side; the mask tilted up to look back evenly at his own accusing eyes.

“I compliment your mind. It’s the neatest I’ve ever seen. Very pristine and orderly. Except for _that.”_

“L _eave_ my mind.”

“Oh but you _are_ the one trespassing on _my_ quarters.”

“Your quarters belong to _me_ and my mind is not your territory.”

“Intrusion for intrusion.” Ren sounded amused.

“ _You rape minds,”_ Hux spat back. There was silence between them. The drilling hum in his head had stopped. The general waited for the other to fire back.

“…Go. You can leave now,” Ren dismissed him without as much as a hand gesture or a nod of the head. The voice was devoid of emotion, just a blank order. Hux was briefly surprised; he knew Kylo Ren’s tongue was as sharp and stubborn as his own. But this was a free chance to retreat from this uncomfortable situation, and he took it. Hux flickered his eyes up and down Ren’s form before turning away.

“Remember my warning, Master Ren.”

“I will try my hardest to forget.”

The general paused as he turned the corner, his hand clawed around the edge of the wall. He immediately felt the compulsion to start another battle. But as he looked back at Kylo Ren, just a ghost of black standing in the middle of the confined room, another thought spilled from his lips instead. “What _were_ you doing just loitering in the corner like that?”

“Waiting for you.”

Hux scowled, giving the other his most practiced look of disgust before he turned; out the door and into the brightness of the hallway. The water beneath him was shimmering slightly in his anxiety. He could hear his own shaking breath as he surged forward. This was as hysterical as he allowed himself to get: just the surface tension stretching and contracting with each inhale and exhale.

Something caught his eye. He paused; stopped completely. There was a drop of blood in the glass-like water, coagulating just under the surface; refusing to dilute. Just a mere smatter of a drop; a vulgar mark on his sterile ocean. Hux felt his lip twitch. The ocean rippled lightly in unison. A few meters ahead… another drop. He followed the trail, the smatterings of blood growing more frequent until he was following an uneven path marked clearly in red. He realized the blood was set just under the surface of the water in the same position as it had been first deposited – frozen in time. A body had dragged itself across here, in a lazy, haphazard zigzag pattern; causing the blood to look like an unending stroke of red ink. Something was bleeding here.

There was a sound coming from all directions at once. It was outside of him and it was inside of him. Hux didn’t know how long it had been thrumming without his awareness of it. But it was gently rising; he felt it resonating in his throat; his chest, the pit of his stomach, lower. It was the essence of a single tone; low and rumbling like the distant roaring of a tidal wave. It was getting louder. Hux thought the shivering water around him was reacting to it, but it was actually reacting to his rising heartbeat.

It sounded like the hum of a planet, emitting its lonely song a billion miles in all directions with no one to hear.

It sounded like…

Hux felt a heat wash over him. The ocean was boiling and dancing now; the blood remained frozen underneath. Hux followed it with wide eyes, and, in a blink, the source opened up before him. A large, perfectly circular void lay out across the surface in front of him, mere steps away. An anomaly. A glitch. Its edges squirmed as the ocean collapsed into it. Endless water free fell from the edges, shimmered in a last breath of light, and then lost existence as the void hummed.

Hux didn’t know what was happening. Something necessary was missing. This had never happened before… _this was a wound_. The water, crashing around in waves, was rushing to the opening now; being pulled inward and lost. The sound was deafening; he couldn’t think. The trail of blood, buried between his feet and barely visible through the impetuous waves, began to slither to and fro like a tongue. It curled and lapped up; broke through the water, twisting and stretching in the air but never breaking. It wrapped itself around his leg. He screamed; causing water to shoot high into the sky all around. The bloody tongue suddenly spun itself tight, being pulled over the edge. Hux kicked his foot, screams lost against the roar.

A great black hand slammed up onto the edge. Its fingers were sharp blades; its whole form squirming as if made of a million black worms. Another hand emerged, followed by an arm to rest on the edge. Something was pulling itself up from the void. Something was trying to enter here.

The beast raised its great head, hands outstretching further into the holy world of order that had turned to chaos in Hux’s panic; taking more ground for its own. The sound was crushing. Hux was still screaming. The beast’s eyes were a single black horizontal form; only given shape by the hazy lines of grey metal that rose and quivered; encasing its face as it reached out a monumental hand towards him.

Hux’s own voice rushed back to him. He was convulsing in his own bed; the sheets were wrapped around his leg. In the stillness of his screams, his thundering heartbeat filled the room. He collapsed back against the mattress, chest heaving.

He was sweating, wet all over, and he had forgotten _why_. The droid on the far wall chimed, “security personnel have been notified of the documentation of your distress calls, High General.”

“N-no, _no_!” Hux stammered; hating the sound of his own frightened voice. He closed his eyes and began to master his breathing. “Dismiss them, it was just a nightmare. I’m… okay.”

“Affirmative.”

His breathing stopped mid-exhale. Something else was not right. “ _Time_?” he choked.

“Seven forty-two am, Day fifteen of-“

Hux had never moved faster in his life. He tripped on the bedsheets; caught himself, and dashed to the bathroom. He had never overslept in his life. He looked down at his pants; his shaking hands. Nightmares. He had never had _any_ of this happen in his life.

He crunched down on a sensory memory. A sound... a persistent tone that had driven him over the edge. It was still hiding inside of him. It was the only thing that hadn't left.

_What was that sound?_ Hux stood frozen in the doorway. _What was that noise? What was that sound?_

_It's on the tip of my tongue._

_It's on the tip_

_of my tongue._

He was late for a meeting.

He felt he must be dying, like a hole had opened inside of him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i am new to this site and finally figured out how to add chapters lol
> 
> this is the second part of a story i write.
> 
> sorry this is so long but i enjoyed writing it so all i can hope for is someone enjoys reading it!

_[What is the default state of the Universe?]_

 -Order.

  _[Chaos.]_

 -That’s not realistic. Everything has a solar pull, a negative aspect; relative paths across dimensions. All the calculations add up. Even bodies as big as planets are guided through their orbits by a larger force.

  _[_ _Are you saying you believe in love, now, Hux?]_

 …No. Logic conquers emotion.

  _[Destructive instincts conquer logic.]_

\--

This was his territory. He owned this place. No intruders were allowed here. There was never warmth or coldness in this landscape of his soul; just a pure ocean that did not break under his touch. There was no reflection of light; of himself as he gazed downward. There was nothing to be reflected. Reflections and shadows indicated a presence; they indicated blood and warmth and the irregular beating of a heart; wetness, hot, sticky wetness, uneven numbers in a mathematic sequence. Adding up to nothing.

Sensing, touching, a hand reaching out for warmth. Desire and emotion.

It was all dirt on the lens.

He had spent his life polishing the lens.

Most of it.

Today he had not come here to loiter as he usually did; to calm his mind. He was hunting. He didn’t know how much water he had covered, or if he was moving in aimless circles. It would make itself known soon enough. He was a battleship, surging forward; an unstoppable force. His armor was nigh impenetrable, his eyes were a steel lake; no mercy.

Yet he knew he was at war with an enemy he couldn’t defeat; it was hiding inside his own soul.

 

**EMOTION AND METACHAOS: PART 2**

 

Hux was standing strong in the face of his own downfall.

Kylo Ren had been hanging off of Hux’s crew for over six months now. He existed outside the formal ranks – far, _far_ outside. Hux, and probably most of the crew, he believed, knew that Kylo Ren wasn’t supposed to be here. He got in the way of military operations and exercises; most of the time without even _intending_ to. Ruining things was just an intrinsic part of him. Behind the mask he was an impatient, raging beast – over twenty rooms of varying importance within the _Finalizer_ had been completely demolished from the inside out since his arrival, slashed to bits with that damn lightsaber. As soon as Kylo Ren was gone, _whenever that was_ , Hux swore he was going to introduce a ban on those things.

The Order occupied a number of planets within the Unknown Regions, with each base housing its own commanders and generals, so rank hierarchy was indistinct on a regional scale. But with its recent completion, Starkiller Base was now the unofficial headquarters of the First Order’s operations. And Hux was in full control of Starkiller Base. This meant he had a lot of weight on his shoulders, _and_ a lot of power.

He had worked harder than anyone he knew to get to where he was today. Still young, without so much as a crease of age imposed on his skin; he had cut throats to get to this position. He had inflicted an ocean of blood and felt _nothing_ as he waded through it, only moving forward without losing speed; an arrow on a one-way journey: _towards more power_.

He wasn’t going to let anything get in his way, which is why the general tried his very, very hardest to keep Kylo Ren confined to the _Finalizer_ and as far away as possible from his pride and joy, the planetary superweapon Starkiller Base. He knew that if Kylo Ren so much as touched a wrong button inside that base, of which there were millions, the planet’s core would probably _implode instantaneously_. Kylo Ren was a walking portent of disaster.

Why had the knight become stuck with Hux’s specific regiment? Kylo Ren’s goal, and probably Snoke’s as well, Hux guessed, was to find a missing piece of data to a map that could be lost anywhere within a hundred galaxies. This map would lead to the last hidden jedi, whose death will apparently restore the universe to its rightful state.

Hux knew this ‘rightful state’ meant nothing. It was all spirituality; metaphysics. It would all amount to nothing except a small degree of self-fulfillment for Snoke and his young protégé. And it was causing suffering for Hux.

Snoke fully supported the brat Kylo Ren, deciding it was _right_ to gift him the Order’s largest Star Destroyer and best crew, with Hux at the steering wheel _and_ his disposal. It was the reason the largest Destroyer ship in the galaxy was currently loitering aimlessly; the reason the most powerful superweapon ever built had yet to be fired, collecting ice and dust.

It was the reason Hux was spending each day with no orders; receiving the same daily data from his crew, gazing out at the same starline passing by.

It was the reason he was getting side-tracked; getting bored.

 Getting sick.

He had woken late and rushed to the morning’s meeting with his collar almost two centimeters off-centre – a true tragedy. He had noticed it and fixed it, though.

He couldn’t remember the exact contents of the quick meeting that morning because there was no content worth remembering. What he _did_ remember was his own mouth moving as he stood at the head of the table, glassy eyes cast over the heads of his peers, including Kylo Ren who wasn’t even supposed to _be there_ but had insisted.

As Hux moved a hand up to enunciate a point he was trying to make, everything became slower, his own hand edging to a stop; suspended like a painting. He blinked, his eyes lowered, brought faces into focus. Staring at him.  He was in the middle of a word but it was all going too slowly now. His gaze rested on Kylo Ren. Sounds ceased; his own voice lost as he felt wet warmth draw down from his nose, stopping at the curve of his lips.

His eyelids fluttered down to catch a single drop of blood fall and land flatly on the black marble table, its impact emitting a sound like the distant thunder of two planets colliding. He stared at it; he knew they were all staring at it. He looked up to see where it had come from.

Nothing, nowhere. No red spot on the ceiling. Over half the people currently occupying the room had masks on; blank judgment staring holes through him. The other half looked concerned. Eyebrows were creased.

Hux could recall the individual algorithm placements of all 3,000 ion cannons on board the ship in three seconds; could devise a 15,000-unit planetary assault in five seconds.

 It took Hux _ten_ seconds to realize this drop of blood had come from him.

He finished his sentence with a much delayed, “um,” and the meeting was finalized.

**\-- 8:10AM**

A droid pestered him as he sat alone in an examination room. Everything was a blinding white… except for the disposable paper he held just under his nostrils; soaked in a rich red. It made him nauseous to look at it so he tried not to. He refused to accept the feelings of hysteria that clawed against the lining of his stomach.

The droid was rambling on. Hux opened his mouth as it prodded at his lips. It shone a light within him, talking all the while.

**[ [ DISCHARGE OF BLOOD FROM THE NASAL ORIFICE IS CAUSED BY RUPTURE OF BLOOD VESSELS WITHIN THE NOSE. WHEN OCCURANCES ARE INFREQUENT, IT IS RARELY INDICATIVE OF A DISEASE OR ILLNESS. ] ]**

Anyone would think Hux was taking this quite well, though he had allowed no one else in the room. He sat with his back against the wall and chin tilted up, calmly, silent and composed. Inside he was screaming.

_Sick. Sickness._

He had never so much as had a cold - technology didn’t allow it. No one just g _ot sick_. How could this have come about? This ship was a vessel of strict chemical and atmospheric filtering, and Hux hadn’t left its confined and sterile environment in… seven months.

He hadn’t stepped foot on the dirty ground of a planet in seven months.

**[ [ DISCHARGE OF BLOOD FROM THE NASAL ORIFICE IS PREDISPOSED BY: A NATURAL SIDE EFFECT OF 439 LISTED DISEASES AND 793 LISTED INFECTIONS, EXTERIOR PHYSICAL TRAUMA, INTERIOR TRAUMA, IRRITATION FROM EXTERIOR CLIMATE. ]]**

_Sickness._

Sickness meant your insides were rotting. Cancerous diseases; black, boiling blood, unseen parasites with a million teeth gnawing down your bones and organs from the inside out. Skin swelling, ballooning, blistering. Blood leaking from where it’s not supposed to be.

Hux felt goosebumps run along his spine. The ship would have to be quarantined, definitely.

**[ [ EVALUATION COMPLETE. ZERO EVIDENCE OF GERM, BACTERIA, PARASITE CONTAMINATION FOUND. CAUSE OF BLEEDING: IRRITATION FROM EXTERIOR CLIMATE.**

**YOU ARE IN APPROPRIATE PHYSICAL CONDITION.**

**HAVE A NICE DAY. ] ]**

“ _What_ ,” Hux deadpanned weakly as the droid pulled away from him.

**[ [ EVALUATION COMPLETE. ZERO EVIDE- ] ]**

“No! I understand, I just…” he lowered his hand from his face; felt an unnatural disappointment wash over his nausea. His nose had stopped bleeding. He had no reason to feel awful. There was no solid explanation for what was happening to him. Something was festering within him that no medic droid could pick up on.

_There would be no help from the outside._

He allowed the droid to dispose of the paper, shifted off from the bench and activated a nearby mirror. He stared at the strange, faint red stain that persisted just above his lip. He wet his fingers and tried to smear it off. It remained.

**[ [ YOU MUST GIVE IT TIME. IT WILL DISAPPEAR OF ITSELF. ] ]**

Strangely good advice, Hux thought.

H _e knew he was losing time. Every minute longer he spent here, he was losing time in the real world. But he didn’t know where to look. Every direction he spun, the horizon stretched out forever. He was losing speed._

_He needed directions – he needed a map._

**\-- 8:52AM**

Hux was re-arranging a row of blaster rifles on the wall of the hallway when Kylo Ren found him. From where they were slotted against the wall, Hux stood at arm’s length, reaching down to shift the barrel of one slightly to the left. Standing back up. Looking. Deciding it was not straight enough. Reaching back down to move the same barrel to the right. Standing back up.

Neither of them knew how long he’d been there for. Hux hadn’t heard the footsteps approaching, and didn’t notice the prolonged silence that came after; Kylo Ren blatantly standing in the murky depths of his peripheral.

“I didn’t know your eyebrows were ever capable of uncreasing,” was what jolted him from the endless stream of binary code running through his mind. His hand paused, fingers lightly ghosting over the metal of a rifle. He realized it was as perfectly vertical as it could possibly be.

“What do you mean,” Hux asked mindlessly, still staring forward, sounding a million miles away from himself.

“Your eyebrows are always creased. For a moment there, – oh, nevermind, they’ve creased again.”

“Listen here… I don’t know _what_ you’re talking to me about.”

“I could already guess by that look on your face.” _What look?_ Hux immediately blinked; expression refreshing like a computer file brought forward from storage. File name: _cold indifference._ He turned his head and glared at Kylo Ren. They were standing in the middle of a wide, empty hallway, next to a row of impeccably ordered blaster rifles. The brightness of the hallway was finally beginning to register in his tired vision.

_Are my eyebrows really always creased?_

Hux had forgotten to reply with something venomous. Or anything at all. There was an uncomfortable silence, and then Ren took a visible breath, continuing, “I came looking for you myself. I was merely surprised you weren’t storming into the command centre the moment the ship started moving…”

Hux hadn’t noticed at all. Now he felt the thrumming of the ship’s heart through the soles of his boots.

_What? Why are we moving? No wait, are my eyebrows **really** always creased? _

“…I checked the location cameras three minutes ago from the other side of the ship… and you’re still in the same spot…”

Hux was wondering if his hair looked okay. Something buzzed in the depths of his mind.

“…Are you… alright?”

There was a tone that had changed in Kylo Ren’s voice. The sound of it aligned with the white noise at the back of Hux’s head, the sync startling him and bringing him back to the surface. An uncertain pause; an octave too high for hostility. It made Hux think, for just a fleeting moment, that there was a human underneath Kylo Ren’s helmet. He recognized the tone as concern, but… softer. It was alarming and disgusting, and he felt he had heard it somewhere before. Had he loaded the wrong file? What about his face was giving so much away? _Was_ he alright?

Of course he was alright. He had to be. Hux gathered up a tone of ice; voice only shaking on the first syllable as he spat, “what do you _want_ , Kylo Ren? Why are we moving and _why_ was my approval foregone?”

“Because the Supreme Leader said so,” Ren replied smoothly. They both straightened their posture at the same time; a battle of the heights. Ren was cheating with the helmet. Hux tried his hardest to pay attention to what the other was saying; listening to his voice rather than his words. “We’ve received word that the map may be located-“

“’ _May’ be_? You know what ‘’may’ be’ means, Ren. It means it _won’t be there.”_

“It’s the only intelligence we’ve had in four months; it’s better than nothing at all, General.”

“I _mean it’s not worth the resources._ At least send squads over, not the entire _Finalizer_.”

“Snoke’s command.” Hux fumed at the childish tone of victory in Ren’s voice. The other continued, “Besides, at least it’s a change.”

“From _what.”_

Ren shrugged. There was a moment of silence before he decided on a simple, “ _this_.

…You should consider joining the ground units. Without any dirty work, of course. Just getting off the ship for once in your life.”

Hux roved his eyes slowly across the wall as he thought. Firstly, of the audacity Kylo Ren had in even suggesting such a thing, and what underlying malevolent intentions might be present in that offering. Secondly, of questioning why he himself felt inclined to accept the offer. Thirdly, of throwing away those two previous unending arguments in his head and thinking _fuck it._

 The pristine arrangement of the blasters made Hux feel at ease. “What planet is it,” he deadpanned in a low voice.

“Meris III, a planet in the Outer Rim territories.”

“Never heard of it.”

“It’s got its own _moon.”_

Hux turned and glared at him under his eyebrows. Kylo Ren’s supremely agitating existence had a positive presence as well – it sobered Hux; brought him back from the binary code. He was thinking properly.

He had things to do.

“Don’t get excited,” Hux murmured; threw a slight nod to the other. He turned to walk away. “Expectation is the highest contributor to disappointment.”

He was a fair distance away when he heard Kylo Ren respond, “I know.”

An hour later, a training squad of Stormtroopers would pass by the place they were standing at, prying the blasters off the wall and washing away all of what Hux cared about.

\--  **10:41AM**

The _Finalizer_ eventually anchored at the edge of the designated star system, and fifteen ships dispatched for the unfortunate planet that would soon be the victim of their interests. Hux watched the monumental Destroyer grow smaller and smaller through the large spanning window of the command ship; craning his neck further back to watch it go, as if it would disappear forever as soon as it was out of sight. Space was capable of making such feats a reality.

With his hands held curtly behind his back, Hux felt a wonderful mix of regret, nausea, and paranoia churn within him at his decision to willingly leave the place that had become, in the loosest sense of the word, his home.

_Someone has my power on the Finalizer right now. Someone is in charge of the ship while I’m not there. Someone has the power I worked for over 15 years to obtain. It’s been given freely away._

_Was this Kylo Ren’s plan all along? Am I going to be assassinated while no one is looking? I’m going to be attacked. My time of reign has come to an end. I’m going to be killed on a dead-end planet. Everyone’s in on it. Everyone in this fleet._

Hux had to sit down. He felt the ship shaking violently with atmospheric entry and wondered if everyone else was as terrified as he was. They were all wearing masks. He closed his eyes.

The troop captain was yelling information; a stream of noise that didn’t register in Hux’s mind as he felt his body lock up. The ship was rattling, about to fall apart; contrasted against that monotonous and uniform voice. Yelling about atmospheric conditions and local sentient populations.

Then, he felt the wall against his back smoothen out; opened his eyes to a bright and warm light that filled the open space of the ship’s bridge. His mind was gloriously blank for just a moment as the ship flew low over a monumental expanse of grasslands, the likes of which Hux had never seen. Or felt. The sky was a reddish pink above them – the colour of diluted blood.

Five smaller ships flew ahead of the command vessel as it slowed, hovered, and eventually came to a gentle rest on a grassy plateau bordered by a cliff line.

“The lower altitude atmosphere messes with our instruments, we’ll have to set up command here!” called a lieutenant. Everything was set in motion – people, troops and droids stood and waited. Hux followed the motion, slower, and felt himself sway despite the ship’s immobility. The doors opened and the slow rush began. The general waited near the side so as not to be completely swept away.

“Squads A and B have landed at their respective locations, sir; all operations are underway. Setting up advanced communications now.”

Hux didn’t know if this assistant was talking to him or not, but he replied with a mumbled, “yes,” anyway. As the ship emptied, he moved swiftly to the wall and collected a pistol. He _kind of_ knew how to use it. He hoped he wouldn’t have to.

With his hand curled around smooth metal, he stepped forward, down the ramp, and into the light.

The air around him became thicker and fuller; he almost choked on it. Warmth bathed the uncovered and sensitive skin of his face; immediately collecting under the lining of his collar and drawing sweat across his brow. He glanced down to where the toes of his boots stood valiantly at the edge of the ramp; grass dancing over its smooth edges. Fleetingly, he wondered what it would feel like between his fingers.

Hux repressed the urge to be a tourist (for his own reputation) and stepped bravely forward; felt vaguely startled by the way his weight sank lightly into the ground. How soft it felt compared to the smooth floors of the _Finalizer._

About fifty paces ahead, the cliff dropped off into a freefall with a glorious view. From where Hux was standing, though, the horizon line was too high to see what lay beyond. It seemed as if the world simply ended past that cliff line. He moved gingerly around the side of the ship and peered behind. The plateau was large, but it eventually teetered upwards to even higher ground.

That was when he registered the sound. There was the constant whirring of harmless insects, the distant symphony of avian creatures, and the wind whipping around his ears - but there was something else that seemed out of place; as if only he could hear it. Something he had heard before but couldn’t remember where.

“ _What_ …” he squinted against the sunlight. “What _is that sound_?” He began to step outwards, like a cautious soldier behind enemy lines, away from the chatter of the operations happening around the ship. A hovering droid accompanied him, whirring faithfully beside him. He didn’t mind. Droids couldn’t backstab you like a person could, unless they were programmed to.

The heat was stiffening now as he stepped across the grass that danced around the calves of his boots. As he neared the edge, he began to see the tops of pointed trees that eventually opened up into an entire jagged horizon of temperate forest and grasslands. To the left of his peripheral, there was a distant settlement in a low open field, surrounded by the dots of the First Order’s ships. Smoke was already beginning to rise. The screams wouldn’t be heard here.

What Hux heard instead was the climax of a thunderous and constant roar, at the peak of its amplitude. He dared to hug the very edge of the cliff with his feet as the view opened up before him. Some distance down, the cliff curled slowly inwards, opening up into a massive waterfall.

Hux stared at it and the only thing that ran through his mind was _none of this is beautiful._

The water poured over the edges without mercy, never-ending, like he was watching the same short loop over and over again. The heat hugged his skin; the sun seemed to flare and brighten. He wet his lips with his tongue; they were cracked. He couldn’t hear his own thoughts.

In the moment he felt that he had experienced this all before, the memory overcame him. The sun’s light disappeared into a murky black mottled with purple, the deafening sound suctioned off into a vacuum. There was only a faint high-pitched tone left, a medical monitor announcing asystole of the heart. He felt his feet slipping down, roughly at first, and then a freefall. Backwards; the gravity pushing at his stomach.

He was spun off his trajectory by the droid grabbing his arm, pulling him back to the light.

Blindly, his heels stumbled back against the dirt and his body followed, landing softly. Not so much an impact as gently being laid down, with his palms held protectively against the ground behind him and two hands supporting his arm and shoulder.

Two human hands that perfectly fit around the form of his arms. A stable and solid weight kneeling beside him; someone else’s knee pressing against his hip as he blinked against the purple that dominated his vision.

_General?_

Not the droid after all, Hux realized.

He felt the warmth generated through the contact and he hated it. It was different from the heat of climate and sun – more immediate. Personal.

_Hux? …Hux?_

He tried to lift his head as each syllable seeped into his mind one at a time; the light began to burgeon in his vision. Shapes came into focus. He breathed in; tilted his head back lightly.

He opened his eyes to the face of a beast and jerked away in fright. The grip against his shoulder never faltered, though he lifted a hand and tried to push their forearm away. His senses rushed back to him in a moment of adrenaline.

“W-what are you doing?!”

“Saving y-“

“Did you push me?!” Hux’s vision swiveled from Kylo Ren’s mask to the hazardous cliff face just beyond his feet.

A moment of silence, then Kylo Ren’s response was in disbelief. “ _No_. You _fainted.”_ The knight finally released his grip with disgust; Hux had to forfeit his hand to support himself. He leaned forward slowly.

“A very unlucky place to faint, as well. It’s the sun. You’re not used to it,” Ren offered in the peripheral of his vision. “…At least no one saw that.”

Hux briefly ran the back of his palm across his eyes. He had a headache, and the sky looked like an ocean of blood that was about to fall.

He stood gingerly; Kylo Ren rising up in a fluid motion beside him. He swayed a moment as the blood rushed to stabilize in the ascent. “And”… Hux honed in on the tone of trepidation in the other’s voice. He turned towards the light.

Kylo Ren lifted a hand skyward; slowly, though Hux still flinched and his arm paused. They both knew he deserved that.

He could only try again. His hand rose along the climb of Hux’s neck, across his ear; too close for force choking or anything of the sort, yet still held away from the skin. Hux blinked at the still mask, body frozen.

Kylo Ren would never have the courage to tuck the stray strands of hair that hung over Hux’s forehead back behind his ear, but they both knew his actions existed dangerously outside the realm of destructive instincts. He could only casually brush against the loose hair with curled fingertips, trying not to accidentally touch skin. “Your fringe…”

Hux immediately lifted his arm, fingertips catching against Kylo Ren’s as the other moved to lower his hand. “Right,” he said dumbly; ran his palm through his hair. The droid was beep-booping in circles around them. He had lost his pistol over the edge; he had already forgotten about it. It was lying broken at the bottom of a steep waterfall.

Thousands of years later, an explorer would find it and announce it as an ancient artifact that represented love.

Even in the cacophony of the waterfall that thundered against Hux’s ears, he still felt the prolonged silence that fell between them. In what seemed to be an offense that lacked any sort of venom; a threat made up on the spot, Ren broke the silence with a monotonous, “I should’ve let you fall.”

Hux wasn’t offended. “Your mistake,” he offered back in a diluted voice, then turned his back to the cliff, began walking towards the ship. “I’m getting away from that _awful_ loud noise. I’ve decided I don’t need to step back on the dirty ground of a planet for the rest of my _life_.” He shrugged off his jacket and draped it over his arm; feeling himself sweating underneath all this clothing.

“ _I don’t hear anything_ ,” Kylo Ren said; two steps behind him.

**\--6:12PM**

The squadrons eventually packed up, reunited, and dispatched as the sun lowered to kiss the horizon. The smoke rose high in thin wisps of regret.

Close to four hundred civilian casualties, with no sign whatsoever of the map.

Hux was tired and his headache was mounting into a migraine. He was surprised Kylo Ren hadn’t immediately thrown a fit at the mission’s failure; he’d just stormed smoothly away as soon as the command ship was docked on board the _Finalizer._ Hux figured he was on his way to lay waste to something or other. He’d get the report soon enough.

The first thing Hux did was give an order to the command centre. “Send an assassination squad to the mercenaries who betrayed us and _have them executed at gunpoint, no trial.”_

The second thing he did was stand at the bridge for a half hour and study his workers, checking for any minute changes in body language or work ethic. Searching for any intimations of betrayal or mutiny. Maybe a slight glance in the wrong direction, or a head hung too low.

He was eventually relieved to find nothing out of the ordinary, and so immediately went to change his clothes (he had already submitted his uniform for quarantine when he had returned, but he felt compelled to change again just in case. He also washed his hands for the thirteenth time) and visited the medic bay.

He was intrigued by now to be wondering when the inevitable disaster report would be in, so he paused at a wall droid close to the captain’s bridge. “Where is Kylo Ren.”

_“Master Ren - - - Last profiled in High Quarter A-4, at 7:06 pm  - -, or, exactly eight minutes ago. Not since documented leaving.”_

The camera showed Kylo Ren eating his evening portions with his back to the camera, sitting on the edge of his own bed. He did this every night (not that Hux would ever admit he checked every night) and it was always the same. The poor camera quality made it seem that he still had his helmet on. Perhaps he did. Perhaps it was his face after all.

It always looked lonely.

If Kylo Ren wanted to give him some peace for once, he would gladly accept it. He moved off from the wall with a sneer and continued towards his destination.

**\--- 7:20PM**

**[ [ EVALUATION COMPLETE. ZERO EVIDENCE OF GERM, BACTERIA, PARASITE CONTAMINATION FOUND.**

**YOU ARE IN APPROPRIATE PHYSICAL CONDITION.**

**HAVE A NICE NIGHT. ] ]**

“I have… a migraine,” Hux stumbled. His brain felt like it was trying to claw itself out of his head.

**[ [ CAUSE: STRESS. CURE: SLEEP. ] ]**

“That’s ridiculous. I don’t… I don’t _get_ stressed. Can you turn the lights down in here?”

**[ [ WHAT IS THE DEFAULT STATE OF THE UNIVERSE? ] ]**

“I-“. Hux slowly lifted his head; squinted in the brightness. “E-Excuse me?”

**[ [ WHAT IS THE DEFAULT STATE OF THE UNIVERSE? ] ]**

The droid was frozen, arm lifted in the middle of a forgotten action. Its attention was turned to him; its featureless face staring straight through him. Hux stared back for a long while.

Slowly, his lips parted; syllables shaking as he cautiously answered, “Order.”

The droid dismissed him in half a second.

**[ [ CHAOS. ] ]**

Hux shook his head; feeling feverish, broken; really on the brink. “Th…that’s not realistic,” he swallowed, hands shaking. “Everything has a solar pull… a negative aspect… relative paths across dimensions. All the calculations add up. Even bodies as big as planets are guided through their orbits by a larger force.”

**[ [ ARE YOU SAYING YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE NOW, HUX? ] ]**

“…No. Logic conquers emotion.”

**[ [ DESTRUCTIVE INSTINCTS CONQUER LOGIC. ] ]**

_“Give me a fucking aspirin.”_

The droid proceeded to emit a sad, dejected death wail and immediately switched off; limbs falling limp at its sides. Hux couldn’t believe what was happening.

He scrambled from the bench and threw himself out into the hallway. It was only 7:30 pm and apparently he needed to be sleeping right now to cure whatever virus or disease was chewing his brain from the inside out, and he _knew_ it was the logical and rational thing to do but _he went to bed at 3:30 am on the spot every single day._

_He was not. Going. To break. That cycle. Ever._

Which was why, in the moment, he proceeded to walk deliriously back to the captain’s bridge and stand at his usual post, white knuckles gripping the metal railing for stability.

He had nothing to blame for his suffering but his own disorders.

The stars kind of helped. He stared past the murmuring of the command bridge beneath him; allowed his eyes to blur over as the starline crawled by at the slowest pace. Out there was no rush. No emotion.

In this state he could dull the pain, but he was cut off from where he needed to be. He couldn’t reach the white ocean. He was stuck here and he didn’t even have an aspirin. He felt he was vulnerable.

He had to keep continually refreshing his files every two minutes. _Stand up straight. Shoulders back. Look forward, ambivalent. Arms behind your back._

He counted down the minutes inside his head. Eight twenty-two. Only seven hours and eight minutes left. Eight twenty-three. Only seven hours and seven minutes left. Eight twenty-

“ _So,_ I was wondering. How _do_ you stay so calm all the time?”

Hux felt a glass mirror crack inside his head. He was ready to _die_. He had _never_ been less calm than he was right at this very moment, though he didn’t even have the energy to flinch at Kylo Ren’s voice as the other stepped up beside him. The waves were lapping angrily around his ankles. What was he looking for, again? What was he hunting for? He had forgotten. It was all a dark, foggy memory.

“ _It’s called not having anger issues_ ,” Hux responded through clenched teeth, even though he was dismissing impulses to grab the nearest blaster pistol from an officer’s belt and shoot Kylo Ren in the chest.

“So, tell me about it. About what it’s like to not have… anger issues.”

“ _Leave me alone.”_

“No really, how do you do it? I’ve never seen a mind like yours.” Ren began to speak quickly in an effort to dispel Hux from cutting him off, and it was driving him even crazier. “Clean and composed. Being calm instead of angry. You have the heaviest weight on your shoulders yet you still manage it.”

Hux had no idea if Kylo Ren was just here to annoy him, or if there was some underlying malevolence to this enquiry. He didn't know if Ren could sense his instability and was clawing at it like a wolf charging a wounded sheep. His logic wasn’t working, leaving his paranoia in charge - he wanted to bolt; to dive into his own bed right this instant. To break the cycle and just _sleep._

He felt a sudden fear surge up with this desire; swallowing the irrationality in its wake. That was it. He realized he _needed_ to sleep right now or he was going to faint again.

“If I tell you…” he slowly turned his head, looking at the blurry form of shadows beside him, “will you _be quiet. I have a headache.”_

There was a pause before Ren answered, “Yes.”

Hux’s torso followed the turn of his head, rolling his tired eyes as he faced the main hallway. “I need to sleep this off. I’ll tell you tomorrow, or something. About the _super secrets_ of my _pristine mind_ , or whatever other idolization you have of me.” Tomorrow the only thing he’d tell Kylo Ren was to _fuck off_ , but for now he was too fatigued to argue about anything.

“It’s a date.”

“ _Shut **up** ,_ Ren.”

And Kylo Ren laughed for the first time. And it was a sound Hux had never heard before - just a short, two syllable tone from the depths of his helmet, seeming to break through the motorized drawl and become real and true.  It caused Hux to waver as he turned; it struck a note somewhere within him, left and center from the middle of his ribcage.

_Left and center._

It was a realization. That was where he needed to go.

He felt a rush of air behind his head, a phantom’s touch; Kylo Ren’s arm lifted from his view for just a moment and a hand swiping out of his peripheral. He didn’t register the movement as anything significant as he broke his pause and walked away as well-postured as he could.

The effort became easier and easier as he made his way through the ship, until the pain in his head had seemed to subside at a moment’s notice, and he was simply left with the fatigue.

_Left and center._

He closed his eyes.

_Left and center._

He opened his eyes.

_Left._ He paused mid-step, body swaying; the ocean underneath him. He turned the points of his shoes westward; his torso followed.

_And center._ He looked around, icy blue eyes scanning the horizon in all directions.

_Center, Hux. Inwards._

_Down below._

_Underneath the skin._

Slowly, he looked down. He was wearing a white dress shirt that he knew he didn’t own, but it only caught his attention because it was stained with red. The material over his chest was torn; some pieces fluttering outwards, some stuck to the cold, crimson wetness.

He craned his neck forward lightly; brought his hand up towards the hole in his chest, about the size of an apple or a heart, where red turned to a deep, glistening black as it receded inside of him. His fingertips disappeared some ways inside. He felt that the inside of him was freezing. He felt his fingers hit a cold, exposed ribcage. But he felt nothing else.

_Look past the physical, Hux. Look down._

As his hand retreated back into cold air; the wound started to pour blood. A waterfall; it surged down, running rivers down his shirt, fell to splatter on his boots, and began to stain the ocean underneath. An arrow that pointed to where he needed to go.

Where red and white mixed; the darkness underneath began to be illuminated. Just a little ways underneath the surface, contamination was spreading right under his feet.

He knew he needed to find the hole again, if he wanted to get down there.

He hadn’t taken a single step forward before the blood, sinking deeper and deeper underneath the surface, finally reached the darkness like sun rays triggering a cancerous cell.

Across the pristine, flat horizon, a single black spot opened up; a wretched and burnt tumor on the surface of the landscape. Its contamination stretched far in a circle around itself; black oil dripping off its body in waves to pollute every molecule it touched. It had made itself known.

He pushed on with newfound strength, leaving a trail of blood behind him, closer and closer through the gradient until he was stepping over a sea of ink. When he looked down,his bewildered reflection stared back at him.

The monster was still so far away, but it was proving itself to be gargantuan. It had risen out of the hole from whence it came and was bundled up, folding endlessly over itself as its great mass sprawled skyward. There were no determinable body parts. Every piece of it had ballooned into one huge, bursting form; or a million forms that squirmed as a horrid aggregate. Hux couldn’t even tell where its head was. Its skin was bubbling, burning oil; writhing and opening in on itself without pause. Black ink fell like waterfalls from all sides of it, poisoning everything.

Hux’s breathing, short and shaking, had woken the beast. He heard a rumble; its entire body shimmered and began to uncurl in slow motion.

The sound was a prolonged roar of pain. It was not a sound Hux inclined towards. It stirred nothing but fear within him as the black ocean trembled in its wake. It was the roar of a mountain breaking.

It rose up to swallow the entirety of his vision, and then began to change. The worms that made up its body writhed and extended to create new forms: a bulging head that ballooned outwards, towards him without mercy. Two gargantuan arms stretched skywards, sectioning off at the ends to become long, stringy fingers that squirmed without bones. They rose towards the beast’s head.

_“It’s hard ruling the entire universe, isn’t it? Chaos does not bend to anyone’s will. A black hole will not close for you. Even in the worlds you create for yourself, there are some things you cannot banish.”_

It began to peel back the grey wrinkles of its face. Hux was paralyzed, staring. It was peeling back its own head.

He wanted to shout _what? What can’t be banished?_

Instead, a sound came out of his mouth that he didn’t recognize.

He didn’t get to see the beast’s face.

The ocean beneath him broke under the weight; shattered outwards like glass and caved in. He felt himself fall into a paralytic coldness; wet and dry combining into a stiffening atmosphere that contracted every muscle of his body.

He could feel his hair floating; his limbs weightless. After the initial shattering and submergence, the bubbles fell away and he was met with silence. He was holding his breath; face scrunched up as every part of him was exposed and vulnerable in the darkness. He blinked and saw nothing.

_“Can you hear that?”_ a voice whispered, clear and undiluted through the water, right next to his ear. He felt the muscles of his abdomen curl inwards; an instinctual urge to protect his vitals. But everything was moving too slowly.

Two lips pressed themselves against the lobe of his ear; a spark of warmth that began to flourish outwards. The illusion of breath trailed its way downward; came to a rest on the soft spot just below his ear.

Flesh pressed inwards; opened up to a fleeting brush of teeth that made Hux finally gasp. He drew in no water through his parted lips, and decided he didn't hate this type of warmth after all.

_“Can you hear that?”_

Hux wanted to nod.

_“What **is** that sound?”_

The warmth moved downwards; along the arches of his neck, stopping again at the hollow between his collarbones as he threw his head back. He felt the anticipation hovering over his chilled skin; a soft breathing perceptible only in the rush of air it left against his collarbones. In the slow change of the water’s current, there was the lightest touch of someone’s hair dancing against the skin of his jaw line.

His dress shirt was unbuttoned before two hands placed themselves across his chest, skin sticking to skin, gliding inwards from his shoulders, across his collarbones, to meet at the middle. Fingers splayed out, palms moving down the smoothness of his torso, his stomach; warming him inch by inch.

It took all the effort within him to curl his arms up, hands reaching out slowly and blindly in the infant darkness; seeking out the warmth. His palm clasped around a wrist. He had no intention of pulling them away; only of solidifying the exchange of body heat.

_“What is that sound?”_

Hux listened. His exhale was silent. The touch of skin on skin was silent. There was a low thudding…

The hands followed their way back up and came to clasp together over his chest. The hole that Hux had forgotten about. The palms pressed down against his ribcage; suddenly stiffening.

The heat suddenly rose past the bounds of human warmth. His hands tightened around the wrists but they continued to push inwards; burning fingertips cauterizing his wounds. As the temperature rose; the thudding grew louder and quicker.

He began to choke on the water; clasped hands pulling against solid limbs without success. His back arched as the force mounted.

There was a sharp and clear snap as the bones of his ribcage began to cave in, and then the heat was inside of him. A fire was sparked in the cavity of his chest, one that filled and solidified against the walls of his bones.

He wanted to scream _no!_ but the water was rushing in. The high and constant thudding had merged within him; he heard it as a feeling in the side of his neck, a throbbing against the undersides of his wrists, his entire chest thrumming with it.

The familiar hands pulled back in the darkness; moved to grab Hux’s own wrists as his body writhed against the pain and he attemped to claw open his own chest with his fingertips.

Instead, his fingers ran across his own smooth skin, not a blemish to be found. The fire was confined inside him.

The wound was closed.

Hux’s hands were pulled away; he didn’t know if he was suspended or sinking. Or rising.

Two lips broke the separation to press briefly against his own, and the burning fire began to melt and dissipate. Pain in dreamstate never lasts long.

He finally breathed in; oxygen, light.

\-- **6:30AM**

When Hux woke, he felt a strange weight in his chest where before he was _sure_ there had been nothing at all.

The shift in reality didn't bother him. 

Because apparently, he had a date with Kylo Ren.


	3. Chapter 3

Hux’s morning routine was a daily ritual that had never faltered in its efficiency (except for that week’s occasion in which he had woken up late - he’d already wiped most of the trauma from his memory).

He was a man who believed that appearances are vital for maintaining discipline over one’s commanding troops… so every morning after waking up at exactly 6:30 am, he immediately washes his face and applies a primary retinol serum under his eyes, which is supposed to remove dark circles, uplift the skin, and promote a healthy look by bringing a refreshed glow to one’s eyes.

After this, he applies a green tea cleanser to the rest of his face to maintain moisture balance and clear blemishes.

In the shower, he washes these products from his face and uses an exfoliating non-scented scrub over the rest of his body, a process which takes exactly one minute and twenty seconds. Four times a week, he will use a shampoo rich in honey and chamomile extract to remove excess oil (one minute and fifty seconds), followed by a keratin-strengthening conditioner (two minutes and thirty seconds).

After exiting the shower and removing excess moisture from his hair, Hux will pause his routine to put on his uniform pants over boxers and a black undershirt that he tucks under his belt. He will then apply a small amount of argan oil evenly across his scalp, to reinforce and enrich the hair while making it more manageable as a basis for other products. _Then_ he will use a small amount of gel as a pre-styling product, distributing it evenly throughout his hair for extra control without hardening the strands.

After quick-drying his hair via an inbuilt all-purpose shower droid, he uses a water-soluble hair pomade which provides a shine finish and high hold. Using a comb, he will carefully ( _very_ carefully) section his hair off in the middle, making sure the split is perfectly even, following a 25 degree angle from the middle of his forehead and towards the left. This is always the most crucial final step, as Hux would argue that the hair is the most important aspect of one’s appearance from all angles.

He kept every single bottle colour-coded and arranged in order of use, from left to right in the cabinet of his bathroom. All other personnel onboard the _Finalizer_ weren’t allowed to possess personal care products.

Hux didn’t know what he would do if he ever had a bad hair day. He didn’t even know that term _existed_. There had only ever been good hair days. Good confidence days. Good logic days.

Bad soul days.

There was something he was still getting used to, as he stared carefully at his own reflection in the mirror, sectioning his hair off with a comb; muscle memory. He briefly caught the hollow gaze of his own eyes and flinched at the intimacy.

This was a state of in-between – of having too much without knowing how to contain it. It teetered and spilled over the edges without his knowing. He was unaware of the magnitude of what was happening to him; as one is unaware of the constant pull of gravity. The universe is spinning underneath your feet. You can never stay in the air for too long.

 

**EMOTION AND METACHAOS: PART 3**

**LOVE IS THE FORCE**

 

It would be three days before he was given the chance to speak to Kylo Ren again, which was a welcome change from all that had plagued Hux in the past two weeks.

When he tried to retreat to that white ocean, in moments of mindlessness, he was met with an indifferent darkness that denied him any clarity. Vaguely concerning; but for the moment, Hux didn’t worry, as he had other things to keep himself occupied.

His sleeping cycle had resumed its normal schedule; he had made amends with himself for breaking it in the first place. He woke each morning feeling in control. Numbers ran through his mind as he went through his morning routine. He revisited his plans for the next three hundred and sixty five days; almost all of which consisted of ‘ _wait on orders from Supreme Leader Snoke’_.

He assisted Captain Phasma in the initiation of new Stormtroopers; his icy blue eyes scanning over a monumental field filled with thousands of white-capped helmets. He gave a speech, which he always liked doing. He liked how his voice resonated across distant walls. It was his second favourite sound.

He slowly toured in front of rows of perfectly-aligned soldiers, reveled in the absence of body language, of emotions; just rows upon rows of armored suits, their weapons held as extensions of their own bodies. He paused in front of one of the suits and asked, “Do you know what love is?”

The mask replied, “I’ve never heard that term before, General, sir,” and Hux was satisfied.

\--

 

Everything on ship was running smoothly. All reports were consistent. Hux tried his hardest to be pleased that everything was as orderly as possible, but a part of him was also irked because _this was **still** out of the ordinary._

Kylo Ren wasn’t pestering him, or causing him misery with his destructive antics.  There was no beast stalking him, though Hux knew Kylo Ren was still haunting the halls of the _Finalizer_ , as this unusual peace and quiet had made the General check up on the other _even more_ than usual, and he would see the knight training alone, sitting alone; sleeping alone.

It was this paranoid monitoring that caused Hux to stare at the colourless monitor three days after the operation on Meris III; at the blurred figure of a single dark form in the middle of an empty training room.

Something interesting was taking place. Maybe something illegal, Hux secretly hoped. Either way, it was something he’d never observed before. He watched bright shards of pure light dance across the monitor screen; too quick and small for his eyes to follow. He assumed they were firing from blaster dispensers on the wall - which was incredibly dangerous. And Hux watched, transfixed, as one of these shards stopped in its trajectory like a moment frozen in time; held in place in the air by a pixelated, outstretched hand.

 _What is he doing?_  thought Hux. And suddenly, he found himself in the same position as that which had caused all of this mess… except it was a realization that he did not consciously acknowledge, because Hux would never be able to understand the gravity of its existence; the simple truth, the sunlight that breaks through the shadows of a very long and cold winter: when Ren didn’t come to him, he always found a reason to be pulled to Ren.

Hux, though, was searching for a more logical, acceptable, and less earth-shattering explanation.

 

Perhaps he was motivated by the fact that the knight had actually _asked something_ of him for once (“ _how do you do it?” I’ve never seen a mind like yours_ ,” were the two sentences that had been replaying in Hux’s head for the past three days), and then had so completely and utterly avoided following up with him. Hux was a _big fan_ of sticking to plans. Perhaps Kylo knew this, and was taunting him in the cruelest of ways: with temptation. Perhaps he wanted to see for himself if Hux would bother coming to him at all.

As it turned out, Hux had questions of his own that needed answering, and he had just spent the past three days loading up the arsenal of his mind; ready to fire. And _anyone_ knew the power of Hux’s mind was a formidable foe.

It was time to go to war.

\--

 

There were times that Hux had observed the power of Kylo Ren’s use of the force, and might have even complimented it, however much he was incapable of understanding it. But he would never consider their minds alike in any way, or would ever give Kylo Ren the consideration that his mind could rival Hux’s own… not when the knight was so easily overturned by rage. Perhaps this underestimation would be Hux’s downfall, but his confidence and composure in his methods had him rarely feeling threatened.

He felt _very_ threatened, however, as the door to the training room slid open in front of him and he gazed at the scene spread out before him; like a still from a holovid. As if he’d seen this before; a tower of black rising out of an ocean of white.

The training room was vast and brightly-lit. All four walls were lined with a number of dispensers, lockers, and weapon racks. Everything was frozen save for Kylo Ren’s helmet turning to stare coldly through him. As the door closed behind him, Hux’s attention drifted to the suspended powerbeam held in the air near them; light trapped against its own will, stopped clean in its deadly trajectory towards Kylo Ren. Hux was amazed, and then terrified, at this display of what could only be an _unprecedented_ amount of power, as Ren stared straight at him while still maintaining control over that dangerous lightbeam.

_How powerful is the Force?_

“ _Very_ ,” answered the beast, a jagged voice that cut unevenly through the silence. With a sudden and merciless movement of his arm, like a dagger striking from the darkness, Kylo Ren broke the powerbeam from its inertia, propelling its course to change so that it split and ricocheted off the floor dangerously close to Hux’s feet; dissipating into the wall behind him.

Hux flinched, blinked, and turned to see the blackened and sizzling dent; half of a small control panel hanging off its hinges. He narrowed his eyes at Ren and took a deep breath.

“I was _about_ to congratulate you on having _gone four days without **breaking** anything, _ but _apparently_ that’s a lost cause now,” Hux’s tone was merciless, holding just the right amount of well-crafted amusement to let him see Ren’s fist clenching in anger.

The knight was turning the hilt of his lightsaber over and over in his left hand as he growled, “What do you want.”

“What are you _doing_?”

“Practicing.”

Hux was silent as he contemplated a move; continuing to watch the hunch in the other’s posture as Ren turned his head away. The general wet his lips and took a few slow steps forward.

“Such a powerful display of control… yet all _for nothing_ when you so easily let anger take over.”

His intent had immediate success, as the beast let out a low roar and turned; storming towards him, closing the gap between them faster than Hux could take a step back. Proving his words in a heartbeat. Black boots stopped inches from his own feet; that awful mask dominating his view so that he could see every chipped dent. A hand rose between them as Hux instinctively leaned back; resisting all primal urges to cower before the storm. This close, he could hear the low breathing that was normally hidden underneath the filter.

“I can **_crush_** _you_ without even laying a _finger_ on you. _I can **break** you without even **touching** you_,” the mask growled. Hux’s eyelashes fluttered down towards the fingers that curled around the air mere inches from his own throat. But there was no phantom pressure against his skin, no ringing at the back of his head. Hux had never physically suffered from Kylo Ren’s rage, which was a miracle in itself, but he had heard stories of others being choked without being touched. Of having their minds ripped open. The closest encounter Hux could recall was the incident in Kylo Ren’s quarters just last week, and _painful_ was not a word he would use to describe the touch that had drifted against his neck.

He swallowed, and forced his own nervous shoulders to relax as he raised his eyes.

“So can I,” the general responded. And there was a break in Ren’s posture; a slight shake of the helmet as he leaned back, as if he’d been dealt a physical blow. Like a subsiding tsunami Kylo Ren retreated, his robes gracing through the air as he stepped away. Hux could breathe again.

“Is this why you wanted to know what it’s like inside a mind such as mine?” the general asked evenly, his hands behind his back. “Finally afraid you’ll end up breaking something you’ll regret?”

“ _That_? Oh. That night I was just _pushing your buttons_. _I could sense your distress_ ,” Ren confessed quickly and without any hint of remorse or shame. “ _But_ …” there was a sudden holding back that graced his voice, in contrast to the usual snark in his tone. He seemed to be retreating further and further away, in both physical and emotional distance; his feet slowly sliding further back, his head bowed like a wounded animal. He wasn’t even looking at Hux. The general was unconsciously ticking off a list inside his head as he played patience.

_Nervous, agitated, annoyed, distressed, shy… What’s his problem?_

“You…” the mask continued, scrabbling for some kind of syntax. Whatever he’d been trying to realise was forgotten, though, as he opted for something easier to admit. “ _If you’re offering_ ,” he trailed off.

“Answer something for _me_ first,” Hux demanded. The tower that stood before him straightened, turning towards him in a receiving light. Hux wet his lips and hesitated on the edge. He never jumped unless he knew what was waiting at the bottom; unless he could plan countless flight paths to guarantee his safety. Here, he was going in blind, if only to close the distance that Ren was inching away with. The chances were too far and few between for him to be on such even ground. He had to chase the beast into the shadows.

“You said there was… a hole,” was what filled the silence between them.

He was relieved to see Kylo Ren’s helmet bob up and down with some intimation of enthusiasm. To assure him that this hadn’t all happened inside his own head. “I was just,” the knight shrugged his rigid shoulders, “ _letting you know_. And you’ve gone about fixing it. Which is impressive.”

“I still don’t understand. Surely you’re talking about your Force nonsense, here.

 _Stop with the metaphors_.”

Kylo Ren stilled. Hux watched him take another slow step back. His fists were clenched; the hilt of his lightsaber gleaming on the side of his belt. There was a soft undercurrent of emotion running through that mechanical voice; a desire to be understood. Hux was trying. Slowly, the knight spoke.

“…It’s always right in front of you, but you _never see it_. It’s always inside you, but _you never feel it_. You can choose to feel it, or you can choose to hide from it. But you can never banish it. _That leaves a hole_.”

_Banish what?_

Kylo Ren turned his back to him in a swift movement. “I won’t bother trying to explain the Force. It’s not like science.”

“If you can’t explain it, then it’s not worth knowing.” Hux answered just as quickly; his voice slipping with a hint of desperation. He knew there were certain ways to push the beast, and the challenge worked: Ren paused, and then turned slowly back to face him.

“…Do you _really_ think that?”

Hux nodded without pause. There was something he was trying to figure out – as fast as his mind worked, he still needed content to process, and choice of words can tell a lot about a person. And besides, he would listen to that voice lecture about wookie reproduction for all he cared. “Can’t you give it an attempt?”

In the shy silence he reeled further outwards, gaze locked onto the space of Ren’s visor. “ _Tell me about the Force_.”

They stood oceans apart; tedious opponents who were both trying to find an opening. Or that’s what Hux was thinking. He could have heard Ren’s tired sigh; shoulders relaxing in some light form of resignation. The knight turned his back again, though this time to make his way across the cold and reflective floor of the huge room of which they were the only occupants. Hux tentatively followed him; listening to their footsteps rebounding across the surface.

 

“You at least know the dichotomy between light and dark,” Kylo Ren assumed aloud as they neared an area of briefing tables and waiting benches. There were two long rows of seats facing each other; originally separate but having been pushed together to make more space for the wall as the training room varied its uses. Now Kylo Ren sat down on the edge of one of these rows, his form sprawling out possessively; leaning back against the headrest. Hux was reminded of a powerful animal guarding its territory. The general stood a few paces to the side, his own form rigid and cautious as ever as he looked down-

- _his weight is sprawled outwards, leaning back, baring his torso, which indicates a high confidence and relaxed mood; as opposed to the low confidence posture he was demonstrating just a moment ago. Ankles are held forward, not locked together, indicating no stress. His mood has changed rather quickly. But why sit down? He is not tired. He is willingly looking upward, indicating a submissive mood. Why is he letting me have an advantage?_

-“There _is_ no dichotomy between light and dark,” Hux couldn’t stop himself before Ren had even begun. “Good and evil don’t really exist.”

Just as quickly as he’d sprawled outwards, Ren’s torso proceeded to curl forward at the comment. Briefly, his fingers clawed inwards into his palm; the leather audibly stretching. “ _For your sake_ ,” he cracked, and then paused for a moment to lean slowly back again, “let’s just _pretend_ … that there _is. Just shut up_.”

Hux pressed his lips tightly together, in an effort to behave. Kylo Ren’s mood was perpetually unstable, he reminded himself. Hux would have to pander to him if he wanted to get anywhere - which is why the two usually hated each other, as that was something Hux _hated_ doing.

 

With a dousing of annoyance in his tone, Ren continued his broken speech; words slow and inarticulate in comparison to what the general was used to composing himself. Hux felt his voice fill the entire space of the room, moving through him to rebound off the walls and back again like a great ocean. His amusement softly died to be replaced by wonder.

“It’s not just about light and dark, good and evil. It’s about what controls them, and what _moves them_ in the directions they lead. There is… a _larger force_ that runs through everything, and through _it_ , light and darkness are birthed.”

Hux found himself clinging to every thoughtful pause; every hesitant syllable as Kylo Ren’s voice progressively lowered and softened towards a more human realm.

“...Gravity, relativity… order. But also black holes, supernovas; the chaotic separation and fusion of atoms. It births galaxies and destroys them, it moves hearts and minds. It has no mercy and no intentions… _a metachaos._

That, on the broadest possible scale, is what the Force is.”

For the briefest of moments Hux felt it; just a slight change in the air, rippling outwards. Like Kylo Ren’s voice it passed fleetingly through him before disappearing below his consciousness. But in its wake it triggered a series of sensory memories, and Hux realized he had felt this before, in moments as fleeting as this.

He needed more evidence.

“Sounds like _tranquil poetry_ ,” Hux offered, his voice amenable. His volition was purposeful and merciless as he allowed the thinnest of smiles to grace his lips. “Words to _meditate_ on. Does it require a lot of meditation to keep in touch with the Force?”

“At first, yes.”

“Have you ever thought about applying meditation to… _other_ things?” he teetered across thin ice, forming a papery plan in his head. “Like, regulating your anger?”

“…I don’t see how that would help at all. Once I’m angry, I’m _angry_. I’m not just going to sit down.”

“Well, you’re sitting now, so that’s a start.” He would let Kylo Ren believe that they were on even ground. After a moment of hesitation, Hux broke from his rigid pose to traverse into deeper waters, his hands brought forward from where they were usually hidden behind his back. He stepped over Ren’s boots and gingerly took the seat across from him, palms held against his knees (this creates a non-threatening presence, Hux knew). The black visor had silently followed his movements and was now staring at him, expressionless. What thoughts were sweeping through underneath the veil of that mask? Hux could only hope he was influencing them as he slowly leaned back.

“You can use the Force to see into minds. To read them. You can see inside my mind. I don’t even need to tell you anything at all.” Hux’s assuming was light-hearted yet purposeful. Kylo Ren shook his head, taking the bait.

“I can’t read your mind,” was what Kylo Ren surprised him with, his voice too flat to be deceiving. Hux wished now more than anything that he could see the other’s face, to see the lie in the other’s eyes, nose, or twitch of the cheek. For now he could only take that voice as truth. “Well, I can read the basics; whether you’re annoyed, or content. _The surface_. That’s where the entirety of most people’s minds exist. But _yours_ ,” the knight’s attention honed in on him accusingly, “is a _fortress…_

I don’t need to be able to read your mind to know what’s going on inside your head, though.”

“Mm?” Hux prodded, and then was suddenly fearful at what the knight would say.

There was a thoughtful pause.

“... _Power_ ,” Ren murmured; ran the word over his tongue. There was a strange and soft sound as the knight wet his lips, then swallowed. “If you get hungry enough, they say, you start eating your own heart.”

Hux flinched, and jolted from his inappropriate stare. He briefly cast his eyes downward. What could he say? He needed to reel more information in, but his plan of attack had suddenly departed his mind; a blank binary slate left in its wake. He blinked.

Ren continued for him, perhaps salvaging the conversation in the wake of Hux’s discomfort.

 “To put it simply, I can see your mind but I can’t understand it. Just like you can see the Force, but you can’t understand it.”

Just as quickly as they had left, he found the words rushing back to him in a wave, and he blurted out the question with a desperateness which surprised even him. “How _often_ do you try to figure out my mind? -Without my knowing.”

Kylo Ren leaned back slightly. If he was taken aback, he was trying hard not to show it. It was the final question, brutal and straightforward; the last shell in his arsenal. Kylo Ren’s answer would be the judgment on the many hypotheses that were being refined in Hux’s brain as each minute went past.

 

There were only two people who had access to his mind. Such a discourse could not have gone uninvestigated, especially from someone as heavily armored as Hux: he had been sick in heart and mind, and whether intentionally or accidentally, Kylo Ren had played a _huge_ part in it.

He needed to eliminate the stray possibilities.

He needed to know if Kylo Ren had just fallen in as fuel to the flames, or if he _was_ the fire.

 

After a moment of pause Ren hummed; tilted his head like a cat eyeing its prey. “Mmmm, _no_ ; it’s my turn first. You owe me an explanation, since I gave you one.”

Hux scowled, realized Ren could see his face and thoughts, then smoothed it all into an acquiescent shrug. He reached deeper into his well of patience. He was nearing the bottom. “ _Fine by me._ You’d like my _insight_ on how I manage anger and disappointment?”

“Yes.”

“ _Because you think it’d be worth knowing_?” Hux couldn’t keep the skepticism out of his tone. There was genuine interest in Ren’s brief agreement; no intimation of boredom. Briefly, Hux looked at the other like he was an idiot.

There was silence on Ren’s end. Then a simple, “yes. Otherwise neither of us would be sitting here.”

A wave of confusion washed over Hux. There was impatience in Ren’s voice, yet only for a desire to hear what the general had to say. Either the knight was stalling for time and had something to hide, or his willingness to listen to Hux was genuine - he actually believed Hux was here to _help_ him.

Again, the general felt that agitating and overwhelming desire to see the other’s face, if only for a heartbeat. The lie could be _so_ strikingly evident, the truth could be _so_ close, but he always remained at a disadvantage. He wet his lips in strategic thought. Ren waited in silence.

“You know, I _want_ to help you,” Hux said, slowly, lying; adopting some sort of friendly tone (he tried his best), “ _purely_ on the grounds of hope that there will be less damage for me to wake up to every day. Now, I understand that a large portion of your training with Snoke addressed emotion and overcoming it. And that you still struggle with anger.”

He caught Ren’s unconscious nod, and confidently continued. “So it wouldn’t hurt either of us for me to try and explain some methods.”

He thought for a good while. Not of words to say, but of how to present them in a way that wouldn’t anger Kylo Ren (ironic as that would be in the present situation). Tentatively he began; his voice clear and high as it filled the room.

“The only reason _anyone_ gets violent or angry, is because it presents a quick relief from the problem at hand… and, destruction _can_ be pleasurable.” He rose his gaze to look the beast accusingly in the eyes. “ _But it’s just a mask, after all_. Nothing of value can ever be found in the surface. Destructive instincts are primitive; subpar.”

He _could_ have chosen more subtle vocabulary, but ultimately he was trying to get a point across and move on with all of this. If anything, he was allowing himself to savor the knight’s willing submission to his voice. Kylo Ren was choosing not to cause a scene, his fingertips touching his knee without drumming impatience, his helmet leveled towards Hux as he listened. Hux might have finally found the advantage he was looking for.

“All you need is a moment’s pause. Just a _moment_ can save so much. To pause, think, and breathe. If you react instinctively, you’re striking out blindly. When you stop to think, though, you at least take the time to figure out how to best strike back; how to make the most of it.”

“But-,” a voice cut him off, Kylo Ren’s tone an unfamiliar shade of distressed; hanging onto his words. “It’s not that _easy_.”

Hux stared coolly back at him, his voice icy and detached as he replied, “ _I know_.” He stood in a fluid motion, hands instinctively brought behind his back. The mask followed his confident movement as he slowly paced along the edge of the seat row. “ _Let’s_ do a quick exercise, then.”

He paused in the peripheral of Kylo Ren’s vision, turned his head to lock eyes with the helmet that had tilted to catch him. When he spoke again, his voice was honeyed.

 “You know, this would be a _lot_ easier if you took off the mask. It looks _stifling_.”

There was dead silence in response. But… Kylo Ren’s fingertips curled inward at the words, the palm of his hand rising only briefly; the intimation of some sort of longing that had quickly ceased to live.

Hux caught it, held onto it, and bode his time. He was getting closer.

“ _Well then_ ,” he retreated at the silent refusal, “I can only trust you’ll follow my guidance when I tell you to close your eyes… Are they closed?”

“Yes.”

“For _some reason_ I’m led to believe your eyes are still open.”

“Take my word - it’s all you’re getting.”

The general huffed in amusement; the slightest hint of a laugh. Like a predator he began to pace the side of the seat in an extremely slow manner; boots uncurling against the floor without eliciting a sound.

“ _Imagine an ocean,”_ he commanded in a low voice - he couldn't stop himself from taking a bit of a dramatic approach. Kylo Ren shuffled his weight impatiently.

“We already did _so many_ of these exercises in training.”

“Obviously you have yet to get the point, then.”

“There _is_ no point.”

“Do you want me to stop, then?” We can cut straight to _my_ question.”

Forced silence in response. The general could almost hear Ren biting his tongue. “…I’m imagining it.”

Hux smiled victoriously. He stared at the wall as he spoke, vision blurred slightly as he concentrated. “Imagine an ocean of _white_. It extends in all directions. You’re standing on its surface without stirring anything. There are no waves, no ripples. You look down and see no reflection of yourself. Does this place seem familiar?”

A mumbled response, barely heard despite the room’s inherent silence. “Yes.”

Hux closed his eyes as he hoped Kylo Ren was doing so. But he was met again with a mere blank darkness; the mottled blotches of his immediate visual memory fading into a dark purple behind his eyelids. There was still nothing to be found. He felt the hard floor underneath his boots; reality.

He slowly opened his eyes, forced down a wave of anxiety, and continued.

“ _This place_ is the embodiment of _calm_. A state of being, if you will. While in this calm state, any negative news or other elicitors of anger can be received and dealt with in a more manageable manner - _without_ outbursts of passion.

That’s the secret of it all, eventually – to master dispassion. To _kill emotions_.”

His concentration broke, though, as Kylo Ren disturbed the tranquil atmosphere to lift both of his legs, crossing them underneath himself like a child; curled up on the edge of the chair. Hux glared at him. He was hunched over; pose rigid with his fists curled together in his lap. The opposite of calm; just a monster trying to keep quiet.

As if sensing Hux’s judgment, the knight’s voice shattered the silence; detached and disappointed. “So far your advice has proved to be absolute rubbish.”

“Is my voice annoying?” Hux restrained himself from sounding hurt.

“ _No_ \- …yes. _Distracting_.”

“Then I shan’t speak at all. Just breathe manually. If you can prove to be quiet for a single _minute_ , then that will be a _feat."_

The knight offered no final snarky comment; letting the silence overtake them.

 

The room was very quiet now. So quiet that Hux could hear the muted, motorized breathing that emanated from Ren’s still form. It formed an intimacy that was both close yet alienating, as the two stood and sat together in the space of the huge, sterile white training room; a man and a mask.

The artificial shape of Ren’s helmet was amplified underneath the bright lights. His shoulders were stiff as he sat with his legs crossed on the seat. His form was smaller than usual, a weak pose. It was almost endearing. _Obviously_ he was trying _very hard_. Why was he trying so hard? Hux wasn’t taking any of this seriously – this was the most amusement he’d had in weeks.

In his effort to relax, Kylo Ren was working himself up. With a quiet roar the knight broke; slamming his hands on the seat like a child. _Thirty-five seconds._

Hux felt a rising wave of humor at the ludicrousness of it all – he even felt the corner of his lips pull in the intimation of a smirk. His hands behind his back, he moved fluidly past Kylo Ren, offering on a mindless whim, “If you’re really trying to take this seriously, why don’t you just take the damn mask off?”, in a tone he’d never heard from himself before - challenging; playful.

He stared at the mask that had refused to answer, its hard and soulless features staring rigidly forward like a statue; refusing to look his way. When Hux spoke again, his words held less malevolence than intended.

“ _Are you scared_?”

He stared for a moment longer, then turned to face the wall; stopped rigid when he heard the click and exhale of a helmet discharging. A machine turning human.

Hux spun around.

A single speck of dust fluttered down to land on the lens; followed by a waterfall.

 

He forgot what he was doing in this room; what he was standing in this spot for. He forgot what he’d come here for.

Instead, data flew through and organized itself in his mind faster than either of them could chase it.

A realization: the knight was a white male who showed conflicting levels of self-care. His hair was dark brown and unkempt, and had not been cut for five – no, _four_ months, Hux estimated. But it was not greasy, and still had volume despite being smothered by the knight’s obsession with wearing his helmet. His hair was swept back from his face; collecting around the back of his ears and caressing his neck.

Interestingly, he at least had the motivation to shave every day, as Hux processed the way in which the light reflected off his smooth jawline.

A realization: Kylo Ren was 28 to 30 years old. He still had a somewhat dark complexion despite his skin being obviously sun neglected. Dark circles underneath his eyes hinted towards insomnia and unrestful sleep; perhaps a vitamin deficiency.

A realization: Kylo Ren did not cleanse his skin, but he didn’t suffer from any skin conditions or blemishes. Instead, Hux unconsciously counted upwards of seventeen freckles that dotted the map of the knight’s face, immediately memorizing the individual position of every single one in relation to the other; intrinsic mathematics. Points lining up to a golden ratio; divine proportions, the most basic formula of beauty.

A realization: his lips were chapped. His eyebrows were uncreased. He was looking skyward, at Hux watching him, his eyes open and receiving; patient, even –a face completely different from the destructive beast that could not last a minute without breaking. The logic wasn’t adding up.

Where Ren saw icy blue ships frozen in terror, Hux saw dark and warm galaxies in place of what he’d always assumed was a black void.

Hux was confused. Something monumental snapped; a distant avalanche, a continent of ice breaking in half. It triggered response collapses, destruction rippling outwards in his mind as his eyes flickered over every detail, once, twice, three times. _There was no lie to be found._ Where was the lie? Where was the dark and haunting stare? Where was the challenging gaze? Why was he only seeing shyness and softness? Where was this warmth coming from?

A realization: this was no beast. The helmet was laid to rest against the seat; the decapitated head of some animal, the space where its eyes would be gazing emptily skyward. Ren’s fingers curled lightly over the space of its skull as he swallowed.

Fleetingly, Hux understood why Kylo Ren wore his mask. From the very beginning, in his failure to identify all possible conclusions, perhaps out of fear of the truth, Hux had made himself believe that there was brutality where there had only ever been weakness.

He hated being wrong.

“Your…” the general finally breathed; tried to gather together a coherent sentence from the debris. His brows crunched down on the details. “Your…”

He didn’t register Kylo Ren’s voice when the other tentatively and softly asked, “I’m… what?”

It was just another snippet of that musing tone inside his head. Just another ringing hum of that sound; that resonant timbre that had caressed his dreams: the waterfall, the lonely planet’s hum, the essence of a soul that had touched his own.

Hux had to do a takeback to realise the sound had come from  Kylo Ren’s parted lips; the source of it birthed from somewhere that Hux felt very close to.

 

After what seemed like an eternity, which had actually amassed ten seconds between them, he finally found the strength to speak; the words automatic and mindless as they filed from his mouth.

“Your jawline… is… uneven.”

 Ren’s lip quivered at the words. In offense? In suppressed humor? Hux couldn’t read any of it. He was scrambling for a hold on something, trying to pull himself back up.

“Well… sorry for the distress.” The left side of Ren’s mouth inclined upwards more so than the right when he spoke, and it was _not helping anything._

The general squinted at him in absolute bewilderment. The knight raised his eyebrows in a miscommunicated response.

He found he couldn’t handle the way Ren was looking up at him like that, so he swiftly and haphazardly took the seat across from him; a leveled gaze. _Back to the basics_. The knight followed his movements with those eyes; slowly uncurling his legs to place his feet on the ground. With a tranquility that Hux didn’t think was possible, he leaned back and closed his eyes. He removed his hand from the abandoned helmet.

“Regrettably, I can admit that you’re right. This _does_ feel better.”

 _That voice_. Hux swallowed a shard of glass as he glared at the upturned map of Ren’s jawline. Pieces were falling all around him; he heard the sound of cement bricks crumbling. He wanted to speak; to yell, but he had forgotten what was important.

“Quite a drastic change from just a moment ago,” he offered instead, voice defensive. Ren opened his eyes again, his gaze ambivalent of emotion.

“Maybe there is no difference. Maybe your expectations had just become skewed.” Kylo Ren leaned forward; on the edge of his seat. Hux felt threatened.

There had to be a weakness here. He tried to plan as viscerally as he could, out of Ren’s reach; floating at the bottom of the ocean. _Learn the baseline of his nonverbal behavior, then look for outliers; anomalies in his expression. Get a grip on your logic, Hux._

“Can I try again?” Ren had already closed his eyes. Hux scowled and leaned back from the view; took the small chance that he had been unconsciously allowed. He began to manage his beating heart as the other managed his breathing.

He flinched at the sound of a crumbling wall somewhere to the right. Apparently Kylo Ren hadn’t heard it.

 _Sixty seconds._ His eyes mapped frantically; tripping and getting distracted. He leaned forward.   _You can do so much in sixty seconds. You can topple an empire in sixty seconds. **Memorise the baseline.** Eyes, lips, jaw line, eyebrows, nose._

Kylo Ren surprised him when he opened his eyes, meeting his accusing stare, causing him to flinch back.

“Easily done,” the knight said fluidly, his voice so much lower than Hux’s. Had the time passed that quickly?

“Not enough of a challenge,” the general suggested weakly.

“Hit me, then.”

“ _Well_ , maybe you can try-“

“ _With your fist_.”

The remainder of what little composure Hux had left was momentarily shattered; he laughed in pure disbelief. “Um, _w-what_?”

Ren’s gaze didn’t falter. “I want to prove my resolve. Think of it as ironic – _you_ test me with the one thing you abhor most.

So hit me - as hard as you can. Whatever you think will do the job. Try and break me. I’ll beat your exercise.”

Hux was taken aback. He hesitated. Of _course_ he wanted to punch Ren, all the time. But not like this. This entire situation was _strangely intimate_. If Ren was looking for an excuse to obliterate him, this was it. He couldn’t stop himself from making memory links between the man that sat in front of him here, and the masked beast that had tore terror through his ship. They couldn’t be so drastically different.

His hesitation was apparently what Kylo Ren was seeking. The other’s gaze flared with challenge, turning the tides of advantage. “ _Are you **scared**? Throw your worst at me.”_

Kylo Ren leaned forward, bringing himself to the edge of his seat. His knees could touch Hux’s if he chose to. His gaze was fierce, but Hux was looking at something else, something seemingly invisible that tugged incessantly at his attention, demanding to be noticed.

_Look for outliers; anomalies in his nonverbal behavior._

Hux couldn’t stop a wolfish smile from pulling at his lips; coaxing the other to hold his stare for just a moment longer. "You r _eally want to see my worst_?”

Ren’s voice was foggy, distant, filtered through multiple layers of water; hitting the back of Hux’s mind. _“I dare you_.”

 _What is that?_ What had he almost missed? As Hux stared back at the knight’s challenging gaze, he finally saw it in the dancing of light across the other’s face– the subtlest of details, the true weak spot in Kylo Ren’s armor. Even when you try to hide it, your emotions and feelings are broadcast into the open for those with keen eyes, and Hux was a _hawk._

 

The light had been his savior; it was only as Kylo Ren’s eyelashes rose after blinking that Hux saw how it caught and reflected on the surface of his eye; black on black, the border between his iris and dilated pupil illuminated only briefly before mixing back into the same tone.

Anyone else would have missed it. It was a single misplaced number in an infinite stream of binary.

But Hux caught it - and he didn’t know what to do with the information.

He had an advantage that he had no idea how to use.

Kylo Ren was attracted to him.

...He had _some_ ideas.

Kylo Ren had dared him to do his worst, and so honor demanded it. He didn’t want to see Kylo Ren withstand against the storm.

He wanted to see Kylo Ren break.

This was what Hux convinced himself as Ren’s eyes closed; chin tilted skyward as if in prayer, or a man awaiting execution. Fleetingly, Hux felt like a god. He rose up, silent as he shuffled his boots between Ren’s.

Everything Hux did, every move he made, had to be justified inside his head, all the time. It had to be _logical_. In reality, it was all just a series of automatic self-preservation methods that ran through his mind, to convince him that he was in total control of his decisions and motivations.

He lifted a hand, fingers gracing the line of Kylo Ren’s jaw. The other didn’t flinch at his touch; expression of calm unfaltering. He chewed the inside of lip as he gently tilted Ren’s face to the side; tilted it back. _Which side of him would be more satisfying to punch?_

That’s what Hux was – a series of self-defense mechanisms. He had spent all of his energy trying to figure out Ren’s weakness, that his own took him by surprise.

He would never face the truth.

He would never believe that something as petty as love could break down a fortress.

What he didn’t know was that he was already stumbling through the rubble, tripping over debris; blind to the fullness of his soul aching outwards and brimming over the edge; filling up a distant hole as he leaned down.

Of course, he would make up a million self-sparing reasons to convince himself that what he did was fully malevolent in its intent, and one day might even have had the courage to admit that he didn’t know what overcame him, but deep down he knew _exactly_ what overcame him – that they were both stars; their courses destined since the beginning of time to overlap, and it was Hux who was guided by that force; monumental and unavoidable.

 

They were both surprised when he tilted Ren's chin up and kissed him. Hux, at the soft sound that escaped Ren’s lips against his own as the breadth of touch between them lasted a moment too long for malevolence. At the disturbing familiarity of the warmth that slowly crept across his neck and spread downwards; across his skin, inside his chest. At the fact that the knight pushed inwards instead of away, leveling the balance between them; his nose pressing softly against Hux’s cheek as he tilted his head. His fingertips felt like fire, hovering against the underside of the knight’s jaw. Hux broke when he felt a pulse.

It was him who was forced to abort; terrified, ready to absolutely _run_ as he began to lean away with a shaky breath. Before he could so much as open his eyes, though, an iron grip clamped around the fold of his collar, pulling him back into the abyss. The force of it unbalanced him, caused him to trip over the knight’s boots and reach out blindly for a stable weight as Ren kissed him again and suddenly Hux was kissing him back. His hand fell to curl around the hard material of Kylo Ren’s cloak, finding stability in the press of lips against his own; a briefer warmth than before as Hux made a small sound of surprise at the contact. His mind went completely blank.

And then Kylo Ren pulled away and Hux was being pushed back the way he came, forcefully, two hands clawed around his collar now. He opened his eyes to the sudden rising black form in front of him, his vision blurring as he lost his footing. He grabbed at whatever he could; felt his back begin to tilt diagonally. The back of his shoulders hit the seat behind him and the rest of his body followed suit, but Kylo Ren didn’t stop. He opened his eyes to Ren’s bared teeth; eyebrows crunching down in anger. The larger man threw Hux down with _zero_ effort, his robes flowing outward with the movement. The general was forced down without mercy, until the back of his head hit the horizontal seat, shoulders pressed against its short width. Ren’s coloured face blocked out the lights above him; his hair falling down wildly across his features, the length of it almost touching Hux’s nose.

Mindlessly, Hux grabbed at the loose fabric of Ren’s hood, his legs trapped by the other man’s weight across his thighs. _He’s an animal; he’s going to kill you. You were wrong about him – fight for your damn life!_

“ _You_ ,” Ren growled, so close; beginning to press the weight of his palms against Hux’s chest; right above his heart. His real voice was more terrifying than the helmet’s. “- _I know what you’re trying to do_.”

“I know what **_you’re_ ** trying to do! You’re trying to _get inside my heart_ -“

_“-trying to turn me to the light.”_

They both stilled. Kylo Ren’s expression broke above him; mirroring his own bewildered eyes. Hux swallowed, frozen under the weight of it all. The pressure of Ren’s hands rose and fell with every hard breath he took. The back of his head hurt. His mind hurt more.

 Ren’s voice shook between them, eyebrows softening in his confusion. “ _I ..._

 _I never_ _tried to trick you. I was just trying to work it out.”_

“W-work _what_ out? _My mind_?”

“No-,” Ren cut him off, and then choked on a word. “ _Myself._ ”

And in the silence that fell between them Hux realized the truth of the matter; that they were both, for all the power their minds individually held, complete idiots. That in their mutual attraction they had retreated inward instead of reaching out; letting the feelings which they deemed unnatural fester into a paranoia. Until they spent all their energies trying to peel at each other's armor, greedily protecting themselves, only to end up wrecked together.

All the years of refining and training, all the thousands of terabytes that built the foundation of Hux’s mind wouldn’t have willingly guessed that truth for as long as he had lived. It wouldn’t have been considered a possibility. The odds were so small. He believed it now though, in the look in Ren’s eyes as the other was undoubtedly following his realization.

The only question left was _what now_? Hux didn't need to ask it aloud.

He was reminded of Ren’s weight against him when the other shifted, and he looked shyly down. The knight leaned back, loosening the pressure enough so that Hux could at least breathe normally. He tried to sit up, but only got so far as leaning his weight on his arms.

When he looked back up, Kylo Ren’s gaze was suddenly intense, eyes flickering across Hux’s features, searching for something in the silence. They stayed like that for a very long moment, and when Ren didn’t find it, whatever it was, his eyes lowered, leaving Hux confused. The pressure left his chest as Ren slowly rose, feebly turning away; self-consciously straightening his cloak and hood. Running his hand through his hair. “I… won’t bother you again. I promise I’ll leave you alone if you want-”

“No!” Hux betrayed his instinct control, scrambling up; pushing himself off the seat to grab Kylo Ren’s wrist - a moment of adrenaline; his actions mindless and motivated only by a visceral knowledge that he was losing everything. The knight turned to him, eyes wide; a tiny flare of hope.

“ _I want_ …” Hux whispered, his words stalling; his fingers curling deeper into the fabric. He looked Kylo Ren in the eyes and tried to convince himself that he felt nothing. He was terrified and confused; he didn’t know how to face the truth.

“ _I can help you,”_ Ren said, a broken whisper. He drifted closer. “You just need to know what you want.”

  ** _What do I want_?** Past the surface and the fluttering of his chest, deeper. Past the 30-year strong self-defense mechanisms that were screaming for him to walk out of the room, past the cold and hard logic that was telling him it would never work; _don’t even think about it, Hux_. Deeper, underneath the white, barren ocean; into the dark abyss below.

_What do I **really** want?_

He opened his mouth to speak; breathed in the light.

And then Hux felt the floor shift underneath him. The pressure of his body tilted in slow motion. His reality was teetering on an axis, about to dive one way or the other in a heartbeat. In the peripheral behind Kylo Ren’s soft and expectant smile, he heard the voice of a messenger at the closest door, turned his gaze towards them in horror.

“ _Master Ren!_ The map has been _found_ _without a doubt_ \- on the desert planet called Jakku of the Western Reaches. Supreme Leader Snoke has initiated immediate travel procedures.”

Hux wished now that he had never seen Kylo Ren take his mask off.

The warmth in the knight’s smile died as softly as it had blossomed; without struggle; falling away into nothing. Ren’s eyes drifted from Hux’s face and towards the left, losing their light to the cold shadow of his brows.

Hux didn’t need to finish his sentence. Neither of them needed an answer. They both knew in that moment, in their own way, that everything that had happened and everything that could happen was too late. Something had aligned; paths had briefly overlapped across dimensions, but now the planets that had almost touched were continuing in their lonely orbits; opposite directions. Hux saw this all unfolding in Kylo Ren’s eyes as the other’s gaze slowly rose to rest on him. The look that he received spoke of hope, regret, and apology. Hux felt a wave of confusion wash over him when he found he couldn’t reciprocate that look; would never be able to. He had the capacity but he had never been taught how to love, and his chance to learn was leaving him standing cold.

Something broke as his eyes wavered in panic. He did the only thing he could - he let go of Ren's arm.

 --

There was a piece of his soul that was soft and reserved only for sunlight. It had been callously destroyed; turned into a black hole, but then it had been filled again before it could deal a fatal amount of damage. For the briefest of moments it had been touched and held, but now Hux had the freedom to step over it as he moved to the door and kept walking; leaving it further and further behind him, his footsteps ringing off the walls.

“I’ll oversee preparations for your mission,” he promised, staring straight ahead.

 

 

\--

 

 

The last time he and Ren spoke with what Hux would call ‘ _an_ _even eye’_ , was when the transport ships were preparing to undock for Jakku, fourteen hours later. They had had to wait until nightfall crested over the target area, for better chances of success, and now it seemed everyone on ship was moving somewhere. Every control panel sector was lively; troops and officers stormed between common rooms and docking ports. It was in one of these bustling hallways that Hux, absolutely and monumentally worn out, caught Kylo Ren moving towards him.

They stopped together amidst the flow of bodies, either unsure if there was anything of worth left to say, or if it could really all be left in the dust. The mask looked down at him; expressionless. Hux felt that he owed the other at least _something_.

“I hope you finally get what you want,” he offered in a murmur.

Kylo reached up and discharged his helmet, lowering his head briefly to slough its heavy weight off his shoulders. The look in his eyes when he rose again told Hux that no, he would never be getting what he wanted.

“You didn’t need to take off your mask,” the general creased his brows, vaguely concerned. He briefly looked around to catch any curious glances.

“I know, I just wanted to say…” Ren started, obviously struggling to translate his thoughts. He looked over Hux’s head for clarity. To their left, the entire expanse of wall was glass, the stars winking at them; a distant galaxy rotating. The sound of numerous bodies shuffling past accompanied Ren’s voice; a death march. “I was thinking-“

Hux stared at him and thought to himself: _only a fool would try to completely detach himself from emotions and antics of the heart. You’re setting yourself up for something colossal. You’re willingly blinding yourself and waiting to trip up. You’re going to be left with a hole._

 _The trick is to acknowledge all the spectrums of emotion and desire, and proceed to let them pass through you._ To step over the soft spot. To become a selective ghost; hovering above all that which caused hearts to bleed as Hux stared at Ren bleeding before him.

The knight was constantly looking down between Hux's eyes and his own boots, eyelashes fluttering to kiss his own skin. “-A-and, I think I realize now… that, I mean… maybe, if things had-”

Hux could not even begin to comprehend the gravity behind the other man’s low, pained voice. He knew he would never be able to fathom the weight in this voice he was hearing right now. The vulnerable tone that enquired to the possibility of love. The hope of redemption. The pious shred of belief that somewhere inside the white, sterile, barren ocean of his soul there existed the possibility for human connection to manifest; to slither up and rise to embrace the sun. For the craving of touch; the joyous exaltation of emotion.

Hux knew in that moment, in the creasing of Ren’s eyebrows as his wide eyes scanned vast rows of nothingness for the wrong words to say, that the knight was finally realizing none of these things were possible for something such as Hux; will never be possible. The moment had arisen but Hux had already retreated. He met Ren’s stare with an emotionless gaze.

There will be no catharsis.

There will never be deliverance.

Ren was finally seeing all of this for himself, and Hux didn’t want to see what he was seeing.

The knight was silent now; mouth opened but words murdered inside his throat. His eyes drifted back up to look at Hux; confused. They stood, two towers isolated, as the death march filed past them.

“… _Thank you_ ,” is what Ren finally choked out; a surprising combination of syllables. Hux felt his eyebrows crease at the unexpected words.

Kylo Ren continued, his voice strangely distant, “you made me see… what it is that I should be aspiring to be. How to… overcome… human nature… emotion… _desire_. _You’re the perfect example.”_

They shared a gaze, then Ren, eyes breaking downwards, lifted his helmet and placed it over his head. They stared at each other’s masks a moment longer, then the knight turned and began to walk away, towards the docking bay of the ship that would immediately set off for Jakku. For the map that would ruin everything; that had already ruined everything.

Hux watched the back of Ren’s head across the hallway; the flow of his robes, his gait, holding a grace and elegance that Hux himself would never have the capacity for. A grace that the knight was willingly giving up; a grace that wouldn’t be present when he returned. For the briefest of moments Hux felt a sharp pain break through the armor; something akin to heartbreak, as he realized who the beast was between them. He stood alone.

Outside the cold window of the _Finalizer_ , past the layers of highly-pressurised glass, filtering through to the freezing expanse of space and beyond, he caught in the peripheral of his left eye two shooting stars, approaching each other; illuminating each other, sharing each other’s light for the briefest of moments before moving on forever.

Perhaps he might have tried to change something if he knew all the chaos that was about to ensue.

Instead, he broke his stare; looked up; towards the light, and saw nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well... that final chapter was basically just ONE GIANT 7000 WORD SCENE. sorry about that.
> 
> just a note: the word 'metachaos' doesn't really have a definitive meaning. it mostly just means 'chaos' as a state of existence. i just chose to use it in this fic because i was inspired by a short artfilm that i love a lot, that uses the same name, 'metachaos' by alessandro bavari.
> 
> i wrote this story for myself, but hopefully you enjoyed reading it, too. sorry about how choppy it all is, i originally wrote the first chapter as its own scribbled story, then decided i wanted to build on it.
> 
> i was very surprised at how many people read and commented on the first 2 chapters. i never expected anyone to read this, im grateful. i didn't know the community was this big. all the kind comments helped me finish the final chapter, so thank you so much, i love you.


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